Military life requires couples to face periods of separation due to deployments, training, or assignments. As a therapist working with military affiliated individuals, I hear how daunting it can be to find out the relationships new "normal" during time apart. This can bring up a ton of anxiety around uncertainty. I wanted to create this blog post to support the conversation. The first tool I find essential is direct communication. This can be a guide to clear expectations, maintaining trust, and fostering a deeper connection during these periods of distance. Let's break it down:
Acknowledge and Express Feelings: The first step in effective communication is acknowledging and expressing your emotions. It's normal to experience a mix of emotions during separation, including sadness, anxiety, and loneliness. Encourage open and honest discussions with your partner about how each of you feels, creating a safe space to share vulnerabilities without judgment. Example: "I feel anxious when you leave, and I know that can look like irritability." "I am lonely when you are away, and I depend on a daily text to feel connected."
Define Expectations: Clarity about expectations is crucial to avoid misunderstandings and unnecessary conflicts. Discuss and agree upon your roles and responsibilities during the time apart. Address concerns about communication frequency, preferred means of contact, and how to manage important life decisions while separated. Establishing common ground will provide a sense of security and structure during your time apart. It is also okay to adjust initial expectations if they are too difficult to meet. Example: We will be "X" time zone, difference and I can only text through whatsapp once a day."
Establish Communication Routines: Create a communication routine that works for both of you. While military life can be unpredictable, having a general plan for when and how you'll communicate can help maintain a sense of closeness. Be flexible but also respectful of each other's schedules and commitments. Example: "I will send one text a day, but I cannot control what time it will be for you." or "I am really busy with the kids, it's best if we talk after bed time."
Utilize Technology: Fortunately, technology has made it easier than ever for couples to stay connected. Use various communication platforms such as video calls, instant messaging, and social media to interact with your partner regularly. Seeing each other's faces and hearing each other's voices can significantly reduce feelings of distance.
Send Thoughtful Surprises: Surprise your partner with thoughtful gestures even when you're miles apart. Sending care packages, love letters, or small gifts can go a long way in reminding your loved one that they are on your mind and in your heart. These acts of kindness show your commitment and dedication to keeping the flame alive despite the distance. Pro tip, if mailing things do not work out, plant surprises in luggage or around the home/car.
Maintain Trust: Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship, and it becomes even more critical during military separation. Be honest with each other and avoid keeping secrets. Trust is built over time through consistency, reliability, and direct communication. Demonstrate trustworthiness by following through on commitments and being there for your partner when they need you.
Stay Positive and Supportive: Military separations can be challenging, but maintaining a positive outlook can make a significant difference. Encourage each other's personal growth and celebrate accomplishments, no matter how small.
Offer emotional support during tough times and remind your partner that you believe in their strength and resilience. Example: Let's set a 5k goal for each of us to accomplish while we are away, or read "x" amount of books. Budget for extra childcare or that gym challenge you have been wanting to sign up for during time away.
Being apart from your partner in the military can be difficult, and with direct communication as a shared commitment to your relationship, you can transform this challenging period into an opportunity for growth and connection. Remember that open, honest communication is the lifeline that will sustain your love through any distance. Embrace the time apart as a chance to strengthen your bond, and always look forward to the joyful (sometimes even a tad awkward) reunion that awaits on the horizon.
Helpful statements to support the conversation:
"What does that look like?"
"Can you be more specific"?
"I can't commit to that specific thing, where can we be flexible?"
"Let's put this one on hold until you get more information."
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