Ever find yourself saying yes, when inside you are screaming no? You are not alone, and it is innate to want to make others happy. Remember hearing that you need to say thank-you or yes as a child. The truth is that we learned this at a very young age to say yes, or to just oblige as a way to mitigate big feelings, when in reality we lacked to opportunity to be taught how to say no. Let's relearn this together.
First let's reflect on when and why it happens:
People-pleasers often prioritize the needs and desires of others above their own, often at the expense of their own happiness and fulfillment. They may have a fear of rejection or disapproval, leading them to go to great lengths to make others happy, even if it means sacrificing their own needs, values, and boundaries.
While this may seem harmless it can lead to the erosion of one's sense of self. Constantly seeking validation from others can cause individuals to lose touch with their own wants, preferences, and authentic selves. They may become so accustomed to molding themselves to fit the expectations of others that they forget who they truly are. Moreover, people-pleasers often find themselves in unhealthy patterns within work and/or relationships leaving them to feel undervalued and resentful.
They may feel overwhelmed by the pressure to keep everyone happy, leading to burnout and emotional exhaustion.
Take a moment to reflect on the past week or month, what did you spend time doing that felt exhausting and not fulfilling for others?
Breaking Free from the Cycle
One essential step in breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing is learning to prioritize self-care and self-compassion. This involves recognizing and honoring one's own needs, setting boundaries, and learning to say no when necessary. It also means cultivating a deeper sense of self-worth that isn't dependent on external validation. What makes you happy, and connected to your values. Perhaps it is as simple as working out, or reading books. Maybe it is as big as being home by four thirty everyday from work, or being able to turn off work related emails after a specific time.
Have you reduced your time doing anything you desire to do begrudgingly?
Embracing Authenticity
Ultimately, breaking free from people-pleasing is about embracing authenticity and learning to live in alignment with one's true self. It's about letting go of the need for external validation and finding validation from within. It's about honoring one's own needs, values, and boundaries, even if it means risking disapproval or conflict. It also might be saying "NO" to the narrative anxiety is writing for you Often the anxiety might start with, "what if" and be followed by the worst case scenario.
Think about getting invited to a lunch with a friend, and the time/date not working for you. Inside you feel anxiety around not getting invited again or the other person being offended. Instead of saying no and offering an alternative, you adjust your entire day to squeeze this non-essential lunch date. This is a perfect opportunity to practice the alternate of people pleasing.
Here are some common phrases to practice! Give it a try, and see how it feels.
I already have previous plans
That won't work for me.
I am not going to be able to make that happen
I am flattered, but my plate is already full
I have to say focused on one thing at a time right now
I am going to have to pass, I hope we can try again another time
Taking on another thing wouldn't be a good idea for me
Let's be mindful you can always be polite at the same time. Adding something like, it would work for me if we adjusted the time/date/place. But finding yourself to be too accommodating is a slippery slope.
Can I give you an example? I find myself as a mother getting invites to multiple classmates birthday parties. I am all for the joys of childhood and I find a great responsibility to ensure my children feel connected and have all the opportunity to celebrate with friends. I also work during the week, and have a partner that travels for work. This means we have few opportunities to have family time. Saturdays and Sundays are GOLD to me. I have said "no" to the past three child birthday parties over the last two months. Does it feel hard? Yes. Do I worry about my child missing out? Yes.
I value rest and know my children need deep connection with parents, and the best opportunity to get that is on our weekends. I have said yes before and here is what that day looked like. Dreadful. I anticipated having to give up four hours of my Saturday to leave with an overstimulated child. After that one day, I decided to say no to any weekend birthday parties that are not of close family or friends. Respectfully, I decline.
Now, it is your turn! Reflect, adjust and identify one area to apply boundaries around. Let's do this!
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